re-post wednesday

recently it seems like my words do not fall together in the rhythm they once knew. not only in my like of writing but even in my speech. it might be all in my head, but it's the truth. the desire to write is there, the words just seem to be falling flat.

june 2010 was an interesting month for me, and now being a year away from it, i love it very dearly. i love what God did in me. i love the challenges i faced, as bizarre and unexpected as they were. i love all that has happened between then and now. i love that water under the bridge and time under a band-aid heals wounds. it's a marvelous thing to be able to look back; especially when your vision has been sharpened, your heart has been massaged into something softer and your perspective has gained some altitude.

today has been that kind of a day. a looking back day. the last 6 months. the last 8 months and the last year and a half. perhaps it's because i have a unique ability to remember things in extreme detail and remember dates with an uncanny quickness or perhaps it's because because the summer of 2010 will not quickly be forgotten. whatever it is, i decided to venture into the blog roll from last summer to see what i saw then and how i see it now.

the following post made me cry. it made my heart skip a beat. it made a funny "i remember that" smile cross my face. and then there was a sigh. a deep, long sigh... as if to say "thank you Lord that you never leave us where we are when we say Yes to you, but instead you pull us forward."

enjoy....

---------

un-worthy. truly thankful.

this last week has been interesting. i have been overwhelmed by one thought:

i am not worthy to receive this grace or love, yet i can't go on without it.

through a series of rather unexpected events and crazy conversations i have had an intense week. the deepest part of my soul gave way and i feel my depth of understanding has deepened.

have you ever com face to face with the ugly truth that you are not perfect? as much as i know this fact and have known this fundamental truth that no one is so, i sometimes get caught in the comparison game. i think that because i have not done "this" or "that" i have earned the right to stand taller.

i sin.

it's the plain truth.

we all sin.

however after years in the church and years of knowing my salvation i had somewhere along the way lost sight of the fact that i am (always) in desperate need of grace and forgiveness. i don't know if repentance became routine or if my sin somehow seemed smaller, but somewhere along the way i lost the depth of the cross.

it seems impossible. it's the cross. it's the foundation of my salvation. it's the emblem of my faith. how could i have lost that? as crazy as it sounds the depth of the meaning of the cross got lost somewhere in my pursuit of the One who hung on it.

this week something happened inside me. it felt like an odd combination of a swift kick in the rear and heart surgery.

i have work to do! i have a calling and a purpose that is greater than i know or could imagine! i have work to do! what makes me worthy of the anointing i desire? what makes me able to GO and DO what God asks me to do?

as much as i can't earn anointing or favor by doing good things or praying over X amount of students, i can control the contents of my character. the content of my character must be able to hold the weight of an anointing and the power of Christ in me.

a while back i wrote a this post about grace. the grace of God has been something that i have been searching out, reading about, listening to messages about and talking about in a pretty huge way for about nine months. this week i experienced that grace in a way i can't remember experiencing any other time up until now.

the grace of God is meant to compel us to righteous living not give us a reason to continue in sin. (Romans 6)

that is something i have "known" in my head for a long time. i do my best to pursue righteous living. i strive to seek first the kingdom of God. i also try not to be a repeater of sin. i said it yesterday like this;

sin is a swamp. icky. stinky. gross. at any point i can be in that swamp by the choices i make. at the edge of that swamp is a meadow or righteous life. it's beautiful green grass blowing in the warm summer breeze. it smells like something sweet is about to happen there. if i am in the swamp the grace of God does not come from the meadow, stand at the edge of the swamp and shout at me to come get it. it does not come into the swamp for a moment so that i can taste it and then run back to the meadow as if it was teasing me. it does not stay in the meadow and ignore the swamp. the grace of God comes into the swamp and envelopes me right where i am at. and it stays with me. it does not like the swamp. it does not justify being in the swamp. it does not encourage me to come back to the swamp for a visit in the future. it compels me towards a righteous life. it compels me to come back to the meadow with it, not looking back at the swamp. grace, it encourages me to strain my neck and look at the golden sun setting in the far off horizon of the green meadow.

this picture has been so vivid in my mind this week. i can't pin-point the moment it became as clear as it is now, but what i do know is at the recognition of this picture came a flood of tears. because in that swamp i can do nothing. in that swamp i cannot be good enough for grace to get me. i smell as bad as what i am sitting in and the sweet smelling grace of God comes to me. i can do nothing but welcome and receive it with open arms. the worst i could do is to stay in the swamp and invite grace to join me. the worst i can do is to justify how i got there and why i choose to stay. the worst i can do is deny the compelling life grace has to offer me away from the swamp.

of this i am un-worthy. of this i am truly thankful.

without the cross there is no real grace. without real grace there is no real life.

i have work to do! i have an anointing and calling! i have the power of the Holy Spirit living inside of me ready to use me to change my generation! i cannot do these things and live the life i dream of sitting in a swamp. my character will be strengthened in the walk from the swamp to righteousness. my character will grow through the difficult situations i face. the content of my character will grow when i can stand in humility and say "i was in the swamp, but NOW i choose righteousness."

my prayer is that i will never take for granted the work of the cross. my prayer is that i can walk in the anointing. i can embrace the calling. i can operate in the power. my prayer is that through grace righteousness would compel me again and again away from the swamp.

it's a new word.

closer-ish. (noun) a describing word. closer in proximity. closer in countries. closer in time zones. the new distance that two people are physically from each other.
Cassie is so happy that her sister is now closer-ish.

This word and definition actually apply to both my sisters in this picture...


...however today i am especially thankful that my sister
Carissa (the one to the right of me) is closer-ish.
She just arrived home from Argentina; it's been entirely too long since i have seen her!
Lindsey(the one in the pink) is currently in Denver CO with YWAM...
which also makes her closer-ish to my current location.

Minnesota.

Yup, i'm still here.
Sometimes silent in the blogging world, but alive and well; shivering my way through the
Minnesota Spring and praying Summer comes soon.

minnesota when.

i've been writing this post in my head for 2 months now, it's time to get it out there.

you know you live in minnesota when...

- you become an "old lady" within the first week of living here because you use a heating blanket and humidifier every night.

- you go for a drive with your fiance and see 10,000 (literally) people standing on a frozen lake in a competition ice fishing tournament.

- it's -36* on the said day of the ice fishing tournament.

- across the highway from the said ice fishing tournament there is another frozen lake... with rows and rows of parked CARS/TRUCKS/BUSES & SUVS from the said 10,000 people who are fishing on the other lake.

- one day it is 31* and while out for a drive you say to your fiance "it makes me so happy that it has warmed up enough for the kids to play in the snow."

- you get to work and can't find a parking spot close to the door because there are 100 snow mobiles in the parking lot. the drivers/riders are all inside having dinner.

- snow mobile-ing is not just for sport in minnesota, it's also a means of "normal" transportation and NOT uncommon to see them at the grocery store, the tanning salon, Wal- Mart, Dairy Queen and parked along the street in front of people's houses.

- by some miracle of Jesus the second week in February the weather warms up to 45*, this for "normal" minnesotians is the que for SHORTS, FLIP-FLOPS, T-SHIRTS and leaving the house without a fuzzy hat & scarf.

- a week after the 45* weather it's a blizzard outside and you insist to your fiance that it's not that bad and you can make it the 18 mile drive home just fine. you promise to go slow and proceed to take off into the pitch black and snowinglikecrazy night. 48 minutes later you make it home. On the way you realize your fiance man was right and it was CRAZY to try and drive in weather like this! here's why;
A. the wind was whipping so hard you were certain you were going to take flight.
B. the snow was blowing in EVERY direction (Up, Down, Sideways to the Left and Right) making it nearly impossible to see more than 10 feet ahead of the car.
C. on the 9 miles of county highway between "town" and your road you see exactly 1 other car, no snow-plows, no snow-mobiles, no big trucks, nothing. (this is VERY rare for this hwy).
D. you realize multiple times that you can't tell where the side of the road is... on either side, and due to the fact that traffic is non existent you decided that driving down the middle of the road (or what you hope is the middle) is the safest bet.
E. Once you turn onto your road you realize NO ONE has driven on this road since the blizzard started 5 hours ago. Once again you decide the "middle" is your best bet.
F. the normal 2 minutes it takes to get from the hwy to your drive way takes nearly 15 minutes.

- the ground under the hwy freezes to deep/hard/insanely that the road actually "buckles" causing a "speed bump" effect for 3 miles.

- it's your dad's birthday (March 6th) and you realize you have never seen so much snow on the ground on this day in your life, and just when you think "that's insane!" it starts snowing. and doesn't stop for 12 hours.

- contrary to popular belief Hockey is actually a sport and people play it, follow it, drive hours to see it and keep track of what teams are doing well. weird, i know.

- also contrary to popular belief Hockey is something people start playing when they are 5-6years old, kind of like t-ball where i come from. They play the regular season, get on select teams, travel all over to play it and spend way too much money 0n gear.

- tanning is a hobby. it's something to do when there is nothing else you want to leave your house to do. everyone tans. grandma's, grandpa's, chef's at high end restaurants, the verizon guy, the starbucks manager, the bass player in the band and the 13 year old girl (with her mom's consent of course). everyone is tan. always.

other random facts about living in minnesota,
- it hasn't rained once in 3 months since i moved here.
- i NEVER leave the house without a coat, gloves, a scarf and sometimes a hat.
- i also never leave the house without starting my car at least 15 minutes before i have to leave.
- i sat in an indoor/outdoor hot-tub one night. My hair froze. i didn't even stick my head in the water and my hair froze.

that's all for now, but i'm sure there are more. i'll write the Summer edition once i've lived past this LONG, LONG winter!

love. life.

so this is love? i'm so blessed.

it's been awhile since posting about my fantastic engagement.
life has had it's ups and also some downs.
i find it hard to write when i don't know how to feel.
not having consistent internet did not help either.
so here i am at 1:52am on a thursday night,
dusting off the blog and being determined to tell you all about the exciting life i live,
and the glorious things God is doing!

thank you?

I'm ENGAGED and here's the story....


Monday December 27, 2010

The day started with sleeping in and yummy breakfast....

Wait, back up a minute... Dean and i had been planning for weeks that Monday would be the day we went out on our "hot" date! For weeks I had been going back and forth in my head answering the looming question "when is he going to ask me?". By the time Monday arrived I had pretty much convinced myself that he did not have the ring and that he was not planning a Colorado proposal.

We ate breakfast and headed out on our adventure; I was excited to experience Colorado Springs from his perspective and see all the sights that i had heard so much about. We started the day by stopping at a frozen lake and walked out on the ice to a gazebo...i was freaking out because it was 45* outside and we were walking on ice!!!! After i had freaked out and we had explored the park near the frozen lake we headed down the mountain. Next stop was a trip to the Focus on the Family head-quarters; I have been looking forward to visiting "Whit's End" for as long as i can remember and i was like a little kid anticipating Christmas. We mosied around Focus on the Family for a while and once my childhood dream seem fulfilled we headed out for lunch and the next stop.

I have seen pictures of Garden of the Gods for many years and with my love and longing for Smith Rocks fresh in my head i was delighted to see all the sights and take a million pictures of the big red rock formations. Dean grew up visiting the Garden of the Gods all the time and shared so many memories with me :) We had so much fun! As we left the thought crossed my mind, "goodness we have been to a million beautiful places today... you would think..." I decided not to get my hopes up and enjoy my date with my man!

As we continued to drive around my heart was so happy listening to my man tell so many stories about the city he grew up in! The sun was setting and the stars started popping out as we drove up a hill to the middle of the city. Dean had played pranks with friends at the park on the hill and i was cracking up listening to him relive his teenage days. Again the thought crossed my mind, "this is so beautiful..." Just as before i shook the thought out of my head and focused on my man!

After star-gazing and admiring all the lights of Colorado Springs Dean said he wanted to take me one more place before dinner. After a bit of a drive we headed up into the mountains and into an incredible canyon filled with Christmas lights on display and elves taking donations to view the sights. As we parked the car i casually asked Dean if he thought i would need my camera he replied with "you might regret it if you don't bring it." i was CLUELESS to the hidden meaning of the statement! As we walked up the hill full of beautiful lights i was aw struck by the cliff face and magic of the season. We headed up an elevator to an observation deck overlooking 7 amazing waterfalls! Not only do i LOVE waterfalls, but i also LOVE Christmas lights, so the combination was incredible! I was taking pictures of everything i saw and was totally ooblivious to my increasingly nervous boyfriend! After we had frozen our noses sufficiently we walked into the gift shop to look at the cheesy overpriced things gift shops sell. I found a fake diamond the size of my fist and proceeded to joke around about it being my engagement ring. Dean took pictures of this silly girl being a dork with a fake diamond, totally oblivious to what was about to happen. When nothing else looked interesting enough to ponder, Dean insisted that we go back out and find someone to take some pictures of us with the waterfalls in the background. Amazingly, we found a real photographer who actually knew how to use my camera. He was more than happy to snap a few photos of us and when i switched some settings he asked if we wanted a few more and Dean replied "will you take a couple more?". Evidently that is man code for "i'm going to propose" because the guy figure out what was about to happen and happy took pictures of what unfolded next.... Dean stepped back into frame and instead of smiling at the camera he looked at me and said, "Girlfriend. Remember the day you asked me out? That was the day i realized i never wanted to live another day without you." With my mind whirling and my hands shaking Dean got down on one knee and asked the question every little girl dreams of hearing, "Will you marry me?" He proceeded to pull a ring from his pocket and slip it onto my freezing finger. I was in complete shock. It felt totally surreal and magical. I said a very quick and excited "yes!" and with that Dean stood up and planted a very romantic smooch on my quivering lips. I didn't know what to say or do, so i looked at him and said "Thank You?". We laughed and the 25 people standing around to witness our happiness proceeded into a resounding "Congratulations!". Our new photographer friend handed the camera back to me and with a congrats. He proceeded to tell Dean that he figured out what was up and was ready for it! :) After i put my camera away i realized it was dark and i couldn't see my ring... I grabbed Dean's hand and rushed for the elevator platform to i could check out the bling. Needless to say, i was IMPRESSED! The ring is EXACTLY what i wanted... stunning and shiny!

The next two hours were spent in total bliss. We went out to dinner but were both so excited it was hard to eat! After dinner we called family and friends to tell the great news; WE'RE ENGAGED!
(pictures coming soon!)

one more?

"One more? One more Jesus Loves Me song?"

I've heard these 8 little words a lot recently. Seven's vocabulary is growing like crazy and i'm impressed with his thoughts and questions every day.

I would like to say today was no different, but it was. You see, today is the day of "lasts". It's the last time i get to walk into a dark room in the morning and say "good morning bugga-boo! it's cassie!". It was the last time i get to take off his jammies and help pic out clothes. It was the last time we get to argue about what's for breakfast. It was the last time we get to dance around the kitchen to The Ping Pong song by Enrique Iglesias (not the best song ever, but SO FUN to dance to with a 2 year old!). It was the last time we got to go visit Great Grandma together. It was the last date to Looney Bean together. It was the last tickle fight on the fuzzy rug before nap time. It was the last snuggles in the rocking chair before nap time when he said those words... "One more? One more Jesus Loves Me song?"

and then the tears came. and have not actually stopped in 30 minutes.

You see today, i sneezed and for the first time Seven said "bess you! bess you! bess you!".

We went to Safeway and chocolate chips were on sale i said "oh my goodness! this is GREAT", Seven said "oh my doodness, SO GREAT!"

Someone told me today he is apart of my legacy. i drove away and cried.

You see, today is the last day i get to spend with the little red-haired boy who has stolen my heart. We got home from town today and i took his little black car-seat out of my car. I removed the garage door opener from my visor. I changed a diaper and cleaned a room. I put his precious little shoes in their place and rocked him with a song.

At my house I am in the midst of packing my bags, boxes, and tubs. Minnesota is waiting. My heart is torn in two. Hope, future and love beckons me forward. Safety, promises fulfilled and love hold me back.

You see, i am so excited for what's ahead, but right now i just want one more "little baby kiss". I want one more Jesus Loves me song with my little man. I want to hear him call my name when he wakes up from his nap. just one more...

(last photo of us together.)

i take pictures...

plain and simple truth: i love him.

CLICK HERE
for more of my recent work!